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‘One of the Healthiest Dictators Ever Elected’
President Trump’s former doctor Harold Bornstein recently said that Trump crafted the language in a glowing health report Bornstein signed off on in 2015. The letter read: “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”
The late-night hosts were far from surprised to learn that Trump was behind the hyperbole.
“His doctor wrote a letter calling Trump the healthiest president ever, but now the doctor is saying Trump dictated the letter himself. Trump was like, ‘Yes, I dictated it, and I am one of the healthiest dictators ever elected.’” — JIMMY FALLON
Stephen Colbert said he had copies of letters that Trump had dictated to his other doctors.
“I guess that explains these other doctors’ notes, like this one from Trump’s dentist: ‘Most teeth ever. Much longer tongue than Obama.’ And his podiatrist’s report: ‘Feet of a god, unless there’s a draft, in which case bone spurs. Sad!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
President Emmanuel Macron of France slipped up during a joint news conference with Malcolm Turnbull, the Australian prime minister, calling Turnbull’s wife “delicious.” Trevor Noah had some fun with that.
“Whoa, back off, Pepé Le Pew, that’s someone’s wife. You know, it would have been cool if the Australian prime minister thought it was some sort of custom and rolled with it — if he was like, [Australian accent] ‘Thank you, President Macron, your wife is quite shaggable as well. I’d totally snack on ’er.’” — TREVOR NOAH
As it turns out, it was an innocent mistake: The French word for delicious — délicieux — can also be used to mean “charming.” But for a moment, Noah was concerned.
“I was worried that when Macron came to the U.S., instead of him rubbing off on Trump, it was Trump that was rubbing off on him. Like, they held hands and suddenly Macron was like [French accent], ‘Madame and monsieur, we will make France great again. Who is going to pay for eet? Belgium!’” — TREVOR NOAH
Samantha Bee Has Harsh Words for Mark Zuckerberg
Samantha Bee is concerned about Facebook’s privacy policies, and she’s not satisfied by the apology the company’s chief executive, Mark Zuckerberg, offered before Congress last month. She pointed out that he has apologized at various points throughout Facebook’s history for the way the social media platform handles users’ data.
Bee had some sharp words for Zuckerberg. But then she cleverly pointed out that like almost everyone else in the media, she depends on Facebook to get content to viewers.
“Hey, you oatmeal-colored tadpole man! You’d better knock it off with the ‘Who, me? I’m just a cute little millennial’ schtick. You are one of the most powerful men in the world. You built this monster and it made you rich. It is your job to kill it. Get this shit under control before you ‘oopsie’ another genocide. I mean, if you don’t mind, sir. I mean, please don’t tank our Facebook videos. Don’t forget to like and share!” — SAMANTHA BEE
The Punchiest Punchlines (Nobel Edition)
“7-Eleven has announced they’re going to be offering healthier options for their customers. That’s nice. The C.E.O. said, ‘We want our customers to live to be as old as one of our hot dogs.’” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“A group of House Republicans has nominated President Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize. As evidence, they pointed out that Trump has managed to avoid an all-out war with North Korea, and Melania.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“Mueller said he could issue a subpoena for the president to appear before a grand jury. I don’t know about that. I understand what you’re saying, but if you want Trump to show up, you can’t threaten to slap him with a subpoena — you have to offer to spank him with it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, making a reference to one of the actress Stephanie Clifford’s claims about an affair with Trump
The Bits Worth Watching
Bee didn’t just take on Zuckerberg. In the wake of the White House correspondents’ dinner, she had a few things to say about Sarah Huckabee Sanders, too.
On “Late Night,” Amber Ruffin said she didn’t appreciate Kanye West’s suggestion that slavery was “a choice.” So she struck back by refuting West’s argument — and by butchering the entire genre of hip-hop with her own horrendous rap.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
The comedians Steve Martin and Martin Short co-star in “An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life,” a Netflix special out May 25. They’ll speak to Jimmy Fallon on Thursday.
Also, Check This Out
There was a moment last month when it seemed the only thing many people wanted to talk about — all right, aside from the continuing drama at the White House — was Beyoncé’s knockout performance at Coachella. Here’s a look at the choreographers who helped put the multifaceted routine together.